It has been a very long time since I have written anything and with everything going on in my life right now, I am reluctant to start a new adventure; however, there is something on my mind and I feel compelled to share. As a woman I struggle daily with body image and self doubt. I have always had to battle with weight for as long as I can remember and at this juncture in my life I am quite tired! It was not until recently that I realized that I most certainly have a food addiction. I always laughed at people who claimed they had a food addiction thinking to myself that the condition was a joke and couldn't possible be real. What is so bad about being addicted to food? I mean there are worse things in the world to be addicted to. About a month ago I was at a low point in my struggle with weight. I gained back nearly 20 lbs. after having lost so much. A friend captured a picture of me with my daughters and posted it to Facebook. I looked at the picture and tears came to my eyes. The person in the picture was not me. I didn't see myself that way. I was so angry that I had let the situation get this bad. The first thing I did was grab some ice cream and sit on my couch and eat. I ate nearly the entire container and I justified this behavior with " If I'm going to be fat anyway I guess its best to enjoy myself". The second I was done eating I crashed and an immense amount of guilt consumed me. I began to cry and think to myself "Why did I do that? Now I'm going to put on so much weight." I went to bed and promised myself the next day I would do better. I didn't do better, in fact I did worse. I binge ate for 3 days until I realized that what I was going through was the cycle of addiction.
You see addiction runs in my family and I had always prided myself on the fact that I stayed away from drugs. I have never tried any type of drug other than a little marijuana when I was a teenager. I refuse to take pain medication for fear of dependence. I thought that I had overcome any chance of addiction, but I was wrong. I use food to fill a void inside me. It controls my day, finances, lifestyle and health. The second I eat food that I know is bad for me I get depressed. I rationalize my eating habits and continue to go back and forth. I hate my body and the way I look in clothes yet when I try to fix the problem I hit a road block. Thursday night I was at a church meeting for women called Sisterhood. The topic was "Body Image". We discussed eating disorders including binge eating. I made a decision that evening to make a change in my life. I will not let anything including food, have power over me.
This is day 2 of my lifestyle change and I feel amazing. I have had cravings and almost given in, but I just prayed and asked for those cravings to be lifted off of me. I got to the gym today and worked so hard. I ran 1 mile on the treadmill which might I add I have not done in months. I feel empowered and uplifted. I wanted to share this because I know many deal with these issues. Food addiction is not taken seriously because it is more socially acceptable than other addictions. It is a real thing and it can destroy people. I want to feel good about myself and promote a healthy life for my family. I noticed that when I would eat bad, so would my children because that was the food I was feeding them. I want my kids to be active and healthy and how can I make that happen if I am not doing the same? This is not an issue of looking good in a bikini, this is about living a longer more fulfilled life. I may never lose the weight I would like, but overcoming this struggle is more important than the weight. It is life or death. I feel free and I will continue to do my best and change my life.